kutamaya

1. Alcohol

Your demur Thai bar girl sweetheart will drink you under the table. However, she won't be satisfied with cheap local brands. Only costly imported beverages hit the spot. A huge duty-free bottle of Bailey's is the one thing that might stop her slaughtering your mini-bar.

2. Sweet shit

Thai bar girls love sugary snacks because prancing around that chromium pole and shagging all your mates requires a lot of energy. Let her shovel it in but remember to dump her before the dental bills arrive.

3. Seafood

Thai food is cheap and delicious but don't expect to taste any. Your Thai bar girl will go seafood-crazy when you foot the bill. Even when already gorged with sweet shit, she can still take on a blue whale. Try to keep smiling when she tells her friends to order whatever they want.

4. Som Tam

Part papaya salad and part incendiary device, a plate of som tam is next on her agenda. You could try some too - to burn the taste of that ghastly blubber out of your mouth.

5. Transport

Even if your room is just across the street, your Thai bar girl isn't going to walk there. The genes that enabled her parents' generation to toil in the rice fields are rarely inherited. To avoid tantrums, call a taxi. Stairs will provoke yet more whining. Make a mental note to buy a magic fucking carpet.

6. Dreadful Thai TV

Once in the room, your Thai bar girl will be straight over to the TV. She can't resist the awful Thai game shows and soap operas. To everyone else they are sheer torture and make the Shopping Channel look like quality entertainment. If you don't have UBC, you are doomed.

7. Games console

There are two activities you can enjoy with your Thai bar girl and this is the other one.

8. Cartoons

Sometimes a man needs his princess to amuse herself quietly. A pile of Thai cartoon magazines will shut her up for hours. Never discard them - they will do for the next girl.

9. Ganja

If you're daft enough to have any weed, your Thai bar girl will save you a long stretch in Thai jail (See Smile, you're in Thai jail) by smoking your entire stash. Afterwards, she will fall into the sleep of the righteous without so much as a thank you blow-job.

10. Gold

Inevitably, the relationship must end when your Thai bar girl asks for gold. She will be walking on air when you take her to the jewellers. Wait until she is thoroughly weighed down with trinkets before you walk out and leave her there. Turn back and enjoy the look of despair on her face. If she gives chase, laugh as the greedy tart is rugby-tackled by the shop's burly guards.

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